Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
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In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.