Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
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When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Breaking news:
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me