Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk