About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
You Might Also Like
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”