*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
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in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron