[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
You Might Also Like
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door