*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
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Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.