6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
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Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.