If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
You Might Also Like
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
The asteroid..
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me