As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Banking tips
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.