I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
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My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Most fashion shows these days…
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is