excuse me
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Yep.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.