[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
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[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones