When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
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Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.