*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
You Might Also Like
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”