[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
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Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.