I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.