roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
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u guys got any snacks onboard here
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football