A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
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*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”