me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Thinking about Jeff
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*