“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
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So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Otters see a butterfly.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
see you in hell you stupid fruit
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I laughed at this way too hard.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”