THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET