Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
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I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.