Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
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I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Candles never taste the way they smell
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”