my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
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one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Have kids, they said
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.