Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
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[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
oh shit
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.