Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
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Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
thank god
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
😲 WTF? 😆
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
i love meeting boys on tinder