if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
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[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.