me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
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Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me