Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Its true…
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?