I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”