A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
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Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
this makes me so uncomfortable
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
This could’ve been an email.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.