She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?