I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
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women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math