CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
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people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Sunday
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”