*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
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If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.