[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
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if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
We’ve come full circle
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
And bowling should be called pinball
one of
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be