can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
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Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Namaste
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.