My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
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I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
my dog when i have a friend over
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
“I FIXED IT!”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.