[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
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I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
just gave your address to some spiders
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”