This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale