[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks