*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
You Might Also Like
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
That’s easy for you to say
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Jogging
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job