I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
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My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Something Saturday.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no