Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
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Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
pelicons
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead