First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
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“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for