Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
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exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
what’s more important?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I already tried new things thanks.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face