My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
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Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host