Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
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Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Sticker placement is key.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.