[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
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Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Bike for sale
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.